At Long Last – The New Chapter

I started working with my awesome Fibromyalgia Mentor, Jen Bro, a couple of years ago. She has been instrumental in many of my “ah-ha” moments during my search for healing answers. The most recent being about six months ago. I was depressed, my body ached (so much more than normal), my soul was tired. I had a very hard time doing my job and being able to maintain my social life. I just wanted to curl up in a corner and ride out the darkness. This, I learned, is the Dark Night of the Soul and this is what happens when your soul is growing into a new place. Old thought patterns and defenses are falling away and new thought patterns are taking their place. Her guidance helped me realize that this was not a time that I should run from. I needed to embrace the shift by understanding that it meant that I was growing into my authentic self. Which has always been a struggle for me, since childhood. Coming out on the other side of the Dark Night, I felt scared and excited all at once. Suddenly, the life I had built for myself didn’t fit me anymore. All of the material things I acquired didn’t have the same meaning to me. The dreams I had for myself are now goals, things I am drawn to immerse myself in, from my heart. And so the quantum shift kept moving, bringing me to a place of oneness with myself. I finally felt that my dreams were not only important, but achievable.

Yesterday marked the end of an era, I ended a 16 and a half year relationship with my job. Outside of family, the longest relationship I’ve ever had. I’m so at peace with the decision. The energetic guidance I receive through daily meditation and yoga have become the fuel for my authenticity. So many unconscious blocks from a treacherous childhood and poor survival techniques as an adult are falling away. A higher vibration takes their place and I feel like ME!  ME…the girl I never knew. My skin fits better and I am incredibly happy.

So, all of this means that big moves are happening in my life. My house has sold, I am moving to Colorado with the love of my life (@cody.wombold)! We are going to travel the states together (#nomad #buslife) sharing our artistic expressions. I have so much gratitude for the years I spent in corporate America, for all of the business skills I’ve learned, and all of the amazing people I’ve met. As for now, I will write. I have always been drawn to the poetry of words and I will be sharing with you more consistently. It is my passion and now holds space with more importance than ever. The new chapter is well underway and I’ll be sharing with you the details of our journey. It is so exciting and I hope you will enjoy it with us!!

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Online Dating in my 40s – WTF Am I Thinking

Episode 1 – Where is the effort, Gentlemen?
So, I’ve been back online doing the dating thing for a couple of months now and I’m disappointed in the findings thus far. I just don’t see the effort that one would expect from a guy if he’s interested. If profile “views” are any indication of how much you potentially like either my pics or my witty intro then say “Hi” ffs! Don’t just keep viewing my profile once or twice a day and never say anything. Or worse, never respond to the damn “wink” I sent you. I’m not going to make the next move. Be a man and make a move…or simply move on to a different profile for your viewing pleasure. Yes, I can see how many times you take a peek at my profile without speaking to me and it’s beginning to border on stalker behavior. It’s called a newsfeed and you probably have one too!. šŸ˜‰
I don’t have a problem making the first move, but c’mon you know exactly what a double standard that can of worms is. Take a wink as interest. Maybe I’m just being sensitive or too presumptive in thinking your multiple views mean something. Hold on, let me check my “Online Dating for Dummies” handbook again…shit…dropped in the garbage again. Oops!
That’s all for today, check back often…who knows when my next harsh judgement will need to be written for all the world to see. *wink*

Make it Count

I the wake of difficult, life-changing decisions, it’s important to keep things in perspective. I made the call to put my loving kitty, Mimi to sleep last week and sent her to kitty heaven last night. It was such a bittersweet experience, but I know it was the best thing for us. We were incredibly blessed to have her choose us 10 years ago at the Humane Society and I will miss her sassy talk. She greeted me at the door every day after work, she loved to go outside and hunt butterflies, she watched the birds and talked to the squirrels and she was my companion. My sassy princess that loved just being with me and I will miss her.
I’m so blessed to have friends that have been so supportive during this experience and I’m so grateful for all the love! I was able to get a hike in this morning with a dear friend and it meant so much to just be able to talk it out. All of the calls and texts from my amazing circle of peeps just shows that when you give love to those that get love, it comes back to you.
I’m not feeling particularly inspiring today…just a little emotionally spent, but life is about how it all comes together. We mess with the gears of today not knowing what it will affect tomorrow, but trust that if your heart feels good about it you’re exactly where you should be. Today’s mood isn’t defined by how you felt when you woke up. It should change with everything you do, so make it count.

Mid-week Rant

This will be short and sweet.

So many articles and pieces of
information about health are showcased with the phrase, “without even trying”.

“How to lose weight – without even trying”
“How to get the body you want – without even trying”

Seriously though, isn’t our health something that’s worth a little “trying”? You can’t break the cycle of a bad habit or routine without some energy. If you really want it you already want to try. Nothing worth having comes to you without you putting in the effort. Find something you enjoy and get to work!

Every Nine Seconds

I’m guilty of keeping Domestic Violence on the hush-hush as much as the next person. My excuse is that I’m afraid people will find out that I’m a Survivor. I’m afraid they might ask me questions about my experiences or give me the “sad face”. That said, I’ve decided to share some of my survival story in hopes that it brings some awareness to how close to home it has lived to all of us. We have to stop treating it as though it is supposed to be a secret. We can’t be afraid to talk about it.

I’ve experienced violence since a young age and it became part of who I was. Those who inflicted violence on me told me that it was how the world worked, that if I was “better” it wouldn’t happen to me and that it was my fault it was happening to me and I believed them. It created an accepted and horrific norm for me that could have killed me and I was one of the lucky ones.

The worst experience I ever lived through happened almost 21 years ago. I was pregnant but did not know it yet. He came home after being gone for three days and I would not leave him be. I wanted answers and he would not give them to me. I kept poking at him in his sleep and he snapped. Fists flew and I cowered underneath the blankets. I was familiar with what it feels like to have my brain rattle around in my skull, but it didn’t stop. I didn’t think it was ever going to stop. I remember my mouth frozen in a scream that never left my throat and I could not open my right eye. The ringing in my right ear persisted for nearly a month. The knots on my head were visible through my hair and the bruising on my face took on a spiderweb pattern. I did not seek medical attention or get the authorities involved, in fact, I stayed for another three years. He never beat me that badly again, but always reminded me that I was one more action, word or decision away from it.

I left when my son was two and he asked me, “Mommy, why you cry? Daddy hit you ‘gain?” I will never forgive myself for letting him live in that environment for so long that he though it was normal. But, the fact of the matter is when you are in it, when it is your life, it looks so different. It isn’t as easy as why didn’t you leave? Even after my son asked me that haunting question, it took me six months to plan our departure. Even after all of my careful planning, his dad kidnapped him for three weeks and I thought I would never see him again.

Abuse. Domestic Violence is verbal, it is physical, it is psychological and it is debilitating. It disables all of the common sense you were ever given and you start to believe that you need this personĀ andĀ situation and reality ceases to look real anymore. I want us to be able to talk about it. I don’t want it to be a secret anymore. I want people to know that it happens to our neighbors, friends and family members. I also want those that suffer to know that you can get out. When you are ready, there are people and places that can and will help you! We can change the cycle one situation at a time. Thank you for listening to my story!

Here is a facility near me:Ā http://abuseintervention.org/. If you or someone you know needs help or someone to talk to, reach out. The YWCA has always been a great resource as well!

Domestic-Violence-Infographic

**random thought from this girl**

This week I dealt with the internal struggle of loneliness, the significant other-less kind.Ā In all honesty, I like my life the way it is right now. I like being able to focus on my job and my health and my friends unselfishly. As everyone knows, dating and relationships take energy and I just donā€™t have a lot of that to spare at the moment. I did try dating last winter/spring and it was extremely disappointing and proved two things to me:

1.) I was not ready to invest the energy it was going to take to start dating seriously. Itā€™s a damn full time jobā€¦no joke!

2.) I had some things about myself I wanted to get squared away first.Ā Having spent 18 years struggling with being a single mom and being all the kinds of support that that means, I hadnā€™t spent enough productive time focusing on me.

Oh, the things you realize when youā€™re forced to answer questions about yourselfā€¦honestly!Ā  Yikes!Ā  *btw, as a childĀ I had wished for the super power of knowing when I was being lied to and then online dating happened and changed my mind because I may have lost complete faith in all of mankind.

That said, I don’t know if even now I’mĀ ā€œreadyā€ to start dating againā€¦per se, but I know that I miss the establishedĀ companionship incredibly badly. Ā Dinner.Ā Figuring out how to spend a lazy Saturday while we drink coffee. DoingĀ projects with someone. And there are all the new and renewed interests Iā€™ve been digging into. Iā€™d love someone to share those things with.

So, the things IĀ missed the mostĀ reminded me a lot of my EX. WHAAAAT?!Ā  Dammit!! No seriously, at one point in time we were best friends, and then dating happenedā€¦oops! We were for all intents and purposes inseparable for a number of years. We had dreamed of the future together as friends and then started making plans as a couple. Looking back, the break-up was inevitable and it was devastating. Our friendship, after all, was collateral damage. I donā€™t miss the guy now and we have both moved long past anything to do with each other, but I do miss not being afraid to fall because there are a couple of strong arms to catch me. I miss all the things we talked about wanting to do but never did. I miss all the things we were able to accomplish together. I miss laughing with someone at myself for any of the multitude of stupid things I do in a day. I miss the comfortĀ of going through it all with someone by my side.

Iā€™m blessed with so many dear friends who are married with kiddos (some brand new) and my heart smiles so big for all of their happiness. It gives me faith that there is another best friend out there for me and itā€™ll happen when itā€™s supposed to. ThereĀ areĀ just sometimes that the wait feels like itā€™s too long. There are also times where Iā€™m incredibly thankful for the priceless time I do get to spend just taking care of myself. Iā€™m grateful that compared to a year ago, it isnā€™t the fear of loving and trusting again that holds me back, but a curiosity of when it may happen that keeps me smiling. I have a cautious optimism of whatā€™s to come and most of the time the lonely stays away. And for now, as with anything, that will be just enough for today!

I’m baaaaack…

I’ve missed this space.Ā It’s been a while.

Life has been happening too quickly and another summer is going in the books. So, before the sadness of Ā “it’s over” takes hold, I want to reflect and note the amazingly good times and personal growth I’ve had this season. ā¤

I got to spend a lot of time with my friends, seriously good times peppered amongst our busy schedules. I’m grateful every day for the relationships we’ve built and the honesty I’ve come to lean on. I love that we can talk after a time and pick up right where we left off. Conversations filled with lots of laughter to the point of tears. I’m finding comfort and safety inĀ those times and they always make me smile. ā¤

I’ve adjusted well to the career change that came at the end of last year. It was challenging on so many levels and it has come to be a place of comfortable reliability, at least for now. Corporate America is an ever-changing beast and I get that. I’m still learning how to be comfortable with the uncertainty of it all. I’ve come to realize that too much routine is absolutely boring! Ā It’s a delicate balance…one step at a time!

Working on my health, inside and out, has been its own full time job. I say constantly that I can’t argue with the results. So many good days and so few days spent immobile is better than I remembered it. I’m back to where I was before the last relationship caused my crash and burn, HOLLA!! Giving Big Pharma the finger is a pretty perfect win too!

Keeping my focus on today is not without its challenges, there are always a hundred big ideas swimming around in my head. I just have to remind myself that I’ll get there. I’m a dreamer and a hopeless romantic and I find so much peaceĀ in that hopeful chaos. And for today, I am planting seeds of happy summer memories for 2015, so when I look back I see that love grows where you water it. ā¤